The Tab

Not going to lie, I don’t want to do this.  I mean I REALLY don’t want to do this.  I despise this movie and practically everything in it.  I think instead of going through the entire movie, I will pick are particular WTF scenes and rage on them.   Alas, I’ve planned this for months (now regretting it) so here it is.  My 1 year tribute to the site, a rage review on Michael Bay’s Transformers and all its shit stained glory -_-

Que Eeyore… err, Optimus Prime >.> “Before time began, there was *brief dramatic pause* the cube” *facepalm* Apparently this cube can create worlds and life within that world.  There was a standard good vs evil war over the cube up till they lost it..  How the?! How does one lose this fucking thing?  “So hey… Optimus… you know that cube, the important one that we’ve been fighting over for years?  We kinda lost it >.>  My bad.”  GG guys… you rock \m/

Open to a chopper flying around Qatar (like I’m supposed to know where that is?(Wewtz google maps!)), where we see a group of army folks giving shit to a Hispanic character, remembering the good ‘ol days of baseball and dogs.  Ah the American dream, classy! Nice shot of the sun setting as the choppers land…. And suddenly back to what I would assume to be midday? WTF? *breathes slowly and counts to ten* it’s too early to rage, it’s too early to rage >.<  Let’s see their base! They have a lagoon!… that consists of kiddy pools and floaty devices >.> Pedobear approves? OH HEY! A lil boy… this just got really creepy.

So what I hope to be our plot decides to fly in cleverly disguised as a chopper that was already shot down… GG?  Oh look! Its sunset again! And now it’s back to 2pm.  We leave our supposed plot for the captain guy to go make a fart joke at the expense of is new born daughter, and cut back to sunset as our plot prepares to land!  Yay! 5 minutes in and I can’t tell how many days has passed… I fucking hate this movie -_- It is at this point I’m really having a hard time controlling the rage.  Every different angle they try and show this chopper in, makes it look like it’s a different time of the day wtf guys?! Get a grasp on the time you want to shoot here!!! OH GOOD!! Its suddenly night now…..

So our plot lands, goes through about 6 different times of the day in a matter of moments and… what was that? Did they really?! Omg they actually used the traditional transforming sound!  I shouldn’t be that surprised, but if they can’t keep track of time, I didn’t expect them to remember the sound! +2 nostalgia point!  So as our robot transforms… and transforms… for fuck sakes it’s still transforming… OK! Once he transforms he goes all Michael Bay on us and starts blowing shit up.  Den duh robot be all like “All ur dataz R belong to me!” and den duh military gais be all “Lawl! Denied!”

We then see our captain running from the explosions with the little local boy from earlier and… wait what?! Why is that kid still there?! Where are is his parents?!  Does pedobear approve?!  Moving on, as the robot is destroying shit and nearly steps on a random black dude (is that politically correct?), and instead of being all “OMG WTF gotta GTFO!!!” he’s all “hey cool gais, I’m gonna catch this on film!”

Yeah, that’s the first 10 minutes and nothing happened.  We had explosions, special effects, and people screaming…. HOLY SHIT!!! That kind of sums up the entire film.  Ugh, moving on to the next WTF scene…

It’s not really a WTF moment, but I want you all do try this.  Watch the scene with Burnie Mac, fast forward it and play Benny Hill.  I kid you not; you will laugh your ass off!  In fact, hell, watch the whole shit movie with Benny Hill!  It’s more entertaining

There happens to be a scene though, that above all others, makes me rage so hard it hurts!  I make it as short as possible though and explain why its…. Well…. FUCKING RETARDED!!!!

Cut to Pentagon, “Hey gais, the other team found out who attacked us! Iran!” “No way! They aren’t smart enough lawl!” >.> anyone else see an issue there? I feel that may piss some Middle Eastern people off =p.  Suddenly cut to Air Force One where we see a random radio under a chair and OMG ITS MOVING!!… what? You guys didn’t see that, the random radio that turned into a robot and is now behind that guy? Wtf chick you walked right past it and you didn’t see it?! I don’t give a rats ass about ding dongs! There is an evil little bastard robot OMG ITS IN THE ELEVATOR WITH YOU!! You’re a dumb bitch… you deserve to die… srsly.  Yeah choke on that ding dong you dumb whore.  Laugh it up there slut, while you’re munching on that ding dong that lil guy is dry humping your computer! *Sudden cut to pentagon* *Sudden cut to AF1* *Cut back to Pentagon* *Back to AF1* anyone else getting dizzy?  Can robots orgasm? I’m pretty sure that little guy just did… Technophelia what?  Really though no one sees, There you go shoot the lil bastard!  Oh of coarse he gets away!

We land Air Force One and I would hope they’re searching the plane.   Good thing the people on ground are alert so that he won’t try to escape through the landing gear hatch and stroll on into the only car that happens to not look like any other vehicle and have “Punish and Eslave” written on it.  And just for cute humor, flip them all off, because you know, it’s funny! FAWK THIS FILM!

Our story is practically nonexistent, characters are meh, and let it be known, I think the parents are the true antagonist of this movie.  Not to be thought of as the people to good guys have to fight, but like, they are my main reason for hating this film.  If we could take them completely out of the movie, I would say the movie could have been at least 30% better.  OR! Any god forsaken scene that either of the parents were included in, should have the Benny Hill theme playing and the scene should be running 2x normal speed!  They had the immature slapstick like humor any ways, why not just go the full 9 yards and play Benny Hill?!… on second thought… no… just remove them!

Fuck this piece of shit and everything that goes with it!  I can’t go any further and I’ve barely even hit half an hour.  There is just so much that pisses me off I can’t take it.  This was just a chance for Hasbro to release yet another line of toys and make millions.  I am ashamed that they let Michael Bay do this to them and not at least act like they feel bad for the fans, not once, BUT TWICE!!!  I just can’t continue to watch this film and review it.  Sorry folks… I’m calling it done.  It sucks, end of story.  I’m going to go soak my rage in some booze and do something stupid in hopes that I’ll remember to never watch the damn movie again >=O

To back up my header statement, I would like to say that 2 storms ago, we had a 75 car pile up going east on the I10.  This caused a huge traffic jam nearly 8 miles long.  I happened to be on my way to work as the said storm was starting.  You could see the clouds and rain moving towards me, and you could also see EVERY FUCKING VEHICLE ON THE ROAD SLAMMING ON THEIR BRAKES!!!!  I quickly got off the interstate and took back roads to work.

The last storm we had here in Phoenix it happened to flood.  Here I happened to see people stopping in the middle of the road if there was any bit of water on the road. In fact I was riding with somebody who is from this area, and he himself whined like a little bitch that there was water on the road.

Maybe you’re thinking to yourself “Well Kevin, That’s not entirely fair.  It is the desert, they are not use to the natural phenomenon that you and me would call ‘rain’, surely you are being to harsh!”  Well let me tell you something then ^_^ ….. /RAGE ,|,, STFU!! I WAS NEARLY IN TWO ACCIDENTS! BOTH ACCURING LESS THEN 50FT FROM EACH OTHER!!!!

I was driving home from work today, sitting at a red light, patiently waiting.  Finally it turns green and some douche bag on a motorcycle wanna be moped cut me off and swerved ridiculously close to my car.  He cut between me and a huge semi barely fitting between the two vehicles.  I had such an urge to gas the car hard and cut him off as he started to move to my lane, if it wasn’t for the fact he would have hit the semi in front of him.  Alas, I controlled my rage and moved along.

Apparently though that semi-truck driver was in a douchie mood too, that or realized way too late that the ramp he was about to pass up was the one to the main interstate.  Needless to say as I am more than half way along the side of the trailer, I see out of the corner of my eye that it is moving closer to me.  I turn and see it is moving closer to me, alarmingly fast.  So again I slam on my breaks to avoid getting hit.  Luckily he hit a red light again before the fucker… sorry “Trucker” (useewatIdidthur?) could take out the front end of my car.

To give a tad more detail as to how close he came to running over the front end of my car… I could have rolled down my window on the passenger side, and wrote my name on the side.  I had to put my car in reverse, and back up, very carefully, from between the curb and his tires.  If it wasn’t for the fact that he could have easily run those monstrous tires over my lil T-Bird and him not feel a thing, I would have left my car where it was out of stubbornness.  Although… Having the front end of my car taken out by a semi wouldn’t be the brightest thing to do.

Needless to say…. I was effing pissed right the hell off!!!  Fuck these drivers! This city’s inhabitants need to learn to effing drive >.<!

So from McMuffins to movies.  Crying like a little bitch, mushy letter to mom, and god help me… Twilight.  Thinking back about my first post I have many different views about it.  It starts off pretty good.  I originally wrote that on the back of my receipt while I was at said McDonalds.  It was fine up till I added more to the end.  About where I said “My name is Kevin and this is my tab…” *Facepalm*  Already I can tell this is sounding more like high school emo-esque and about to make make a fool of myself.

“So please…. walk on the dark side of the moon with me reminisce while drowning in our pool of memories and make some new ones, lets just hope its a ride to remember.” Yeah… I get physically ill every time I read that line.  WTF was I thinking?! XD so much fail in that one line of text that I should be banned from teh tubez for life!  The retarded Webster’s reference of what a ‘tab’ is was clever though right?  Ah hell no!  Again! WTF WAS I THINKING?!?!  One post should only contain so much fail, and I was pushing the limits there!

My lovely whiney ass post about Halloween was great too.  It was an alright post I must say, but good god did it sound emo!  “My family abandoned me! My friends don’t want to hang out any more! My brother doesn’t even want to be around me! WAAAAAH /wrist” XD ugh!

Moving to getting drunk, cops, moving across country, fucking Twilight (I still hate you for that Heather) and then the big one!  “It’s all a joke” (a bad reference to the Watchmen) where I cried like such a little bitch.  There was so much sand up in my vag I could probably made my own island out in the pacific.  I shall call it PMS Isle.  Poor Elder had to listen to me cry and demand to shut the site down for about a month before I got my head on straight.

At this time, I suppose it was my 2^nd review of a movie, but I wrote what I would like to call my first review about the Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland.  Twilight however was my first, as much as I would hate to admit to that.  Since Elder refused to bring down the site, I went and started up again.  I quite enjoyed that post.  It was fun, and I would like to think somewhat clever.  I suppose it is after this I begin to grow up more and begin to enjoy my site and put aside my emo thoughts.

I begin to write a few more reviews and get feedback from my few readers that were encouraging.  I write probably posts of all time (zombies involved) and made it official that I will keep the site.  I had Elder in town and we wrote a few posts, unfortunately that post was unwise and targeted a very crude group of people.  Frankly speaking I broke the rules, and for the safety of the few readers I had, I deleted their comments, eventually leading to me to delete the post itself (I think Elder still has it up on his site actually).

So needless to say, I think I have grown quite a bit.  I thank the ones that have stuck through this last year and still read this shit.  Even if you were to quit, I will keep writing.  I have come quite attached to my Tab (useewatIdidthur?)  and will continue to rant and rave and rage about whatever I happen to get the chance on.  I will end this with a thank you to Elder for setting this up for me and keeping it up.  The thank you wasn’t meant to be corny or sappy… It is meant as a plee to be gentle when I write my official 1 year post, where I will be ripping apart Michael Bay’s Transformers.   So come back on October 14^th for my official 1 year anniversary of The Tab!

So I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel that George Lucas has went and killed any movie that he gets too involved with.  Star Wars Episodes I-III were terrabad, and I shouldn’t really have to go into the shit storm that is the Crystal Skull.  There are just so many things to be said about these movies, but for your sake, I’ll avoid that rant for a later time.  This rage posting is about something new I happened to have read on my movie site.  Apparently Lucas doesn’t think he has raped the Star Wars franchise enough, and decided to put them back in theater in 3D.

First off, I’m already fucking sick and tired of everything coming out in 3D.  Many of the movies can’t even do it right, the “3D” is done with depth, not popping out at you.

“There are few movies that lend themselves more perfectly to 3D; from the Death Star trench run to the Tatooine Podrace” Reiterating my previous comment, these scenes I can’t imagine them getting it done right to actually “pop” out at you.  Odd are though I will end up seeing these films just to see how they do it.  Who knows, maybe they’ll surprise me and make it actually look good!  Unlikely but ya never know.

My second complaint about this is that Lucas is totally raping this franchise for money.  Episodes I-III were just like long advertisement for new toys and shit (kinda like the Transformers series, but not as elegantly distributed).  It almost felt like he didn’t care nearly as much in the story as much as he did the special effects, choreographed fight scenes, and cramming as much crap in every scene that he possibly could.

Star Wars: The Phantom Menace will be released in 3D some time in 2012 (another sign that the end is near?) and the process of converting the movie to 3D will be completed by Industrial light & magic.  This is another branch of Lucas films, but has done some fantastic work in the past.  Some recent work they’ve done would range from Star Treck, Iron Man, and Pirates of the Caribbean.  It is very possible that they could make this work, but I am still a skeptic about these remakes of the films.  Only time will tell though.

So… to the few readers I have.  Thoughts on this?  You excited at all? Think its bad? George should just stop touching these classics and leave them be?  Leave me some things to think about folks.

**Disclaimer**

Star Wars is owned my Lucas Films

**Info**

http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=70221

So I’m sure you all have heard about, maybe even seen, the movie ‘Piranha’.  If you have I must say you are and idiot and please go die now… as for the rest of you who have more self respect then that would you believe these fuckers are making a sequel?!?!?!  I kid you not.  This 1978 remake of piranha’s getting set loose on unsuspecting kids partying… in REAL 3D!!!…. is getting a sequel. /RRRAAAGGGGEEEE

I can’t fathom how this first one got approved let alone a sequel! Oh wait… here’s how “reviews from top critics, wild cheers from audiences around the country, and $10 million in its opening weekend boxoffice” …. Fuck you Dimension Films… Fuck you!  I will give props that this movie is doing much more than I expected.  I was ready for another Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus type film.  However, I am personally getting tired of all these mind-numbing horror/action/romance/ every other frickin movie released any more, kind of movies.  What is Hollywood doing these days?!

“PIRANHA 3D opened with fantastic reviews from top critics like the ASSOCIATED PRESS and REUTERS, enjoying a very FRESH rating of 80-82% favorable reviews on the popular movie review site ROTTEN TOMATOES throughout it’s opening weekend” ….. Wait what?! 80-82% range on rotten tomatoes?!?! DONE!!  This just finalizes that I was right. The general public has become zombies.  Mindless meat sacks that are incapable of utilizing their brain functions for much else other then breeding and consuming food.  If this movie can keep such a high rating review, I think we’re done for.

What happened to those movies that actually made you think?  Only film I have seen in the last year, possibly longer, that was so awesome that it kept me in awe days later, has been ‘Inception’.  It’s a smart film and requires you to pay attention.  Christopher Nolen is my newly appointed savior.  He has made many brilliant films in the past (Memento, Dark Knight) and is continuing to do so now.  Thank you Nolan.

**Disclaimer**

Piranha  is owned by Dimension Films.

**Information**

http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=69034