The Tab

So I get called into work due to a power outage last night. By the time I get here shits gone all sorts of wrong. Nothing to do but sit and wait for the power now.

As I sit here in this large dark building, with just the faintest lighting that gives everything an ominous look, I realize I gotta take a wicked piss.  Only lighting I have is my cell. Backlight gets turn up to its brightest setting as I walk in the dark room. Set the phone face up on the stall as I start my business.

While taking what begins to feel like the longest piss of my life, my zombie paranoia sets in. Comic relief guy goes off solo to do his thing, finds himself in a completely dark room save for the backlight of his phone. Next thing you know a zombie bursts through the stall and I’ve just become a human snack pack.

Come back to the only person who would go before me (duh black d00d), and share my lil bathroom excursion. We share some lols but my paranoia has yet to settle. The movie kick is still rolling.

We have just enough lighting to only see the outline of each other, but you can still feel the lights fading as the backup batteries are drained. The eerie background noises of fellow zombie victims walking the floor, sounds of metal rolling around, various other ominous sounds that set you on high alert.  The worst part is all these sounds are faint, barely passable as noise. Its that soft background sounds that set you on edge just before shit hits the fan.

As we discuss this our maintenance man says he can make it better by getting a wireless saw. Blackman responds with “aw hell naw, then I’m definitely gone”. I retort with “and I personally want him to last as long as he can. Once the black man goes, I’m next on the food chain”

To make it even better we have one our guys here walking around the site.  He has a distinct characteristic about him that if glanced at you quickly follow with a double take to see this man hobbling toward you with a slight limp. My mind quickly reacts with the z fear, as his outline stalks closer.

We sit around having lols trying to suppress this overacting imagination of mine as the juice from our backup batteries feeding the already dim light is fully drained. We decide to walk towards our SA area in hopes there is some lighting there.  Flashlight on and legs marching wearily forward, we pass the entrance of the datacenter… with another of our guys lounging in a chair, legs propped up on the hand rail.

My mind flashes with many different scenes that could be placed here, mostly involving body parts thrown around, hanging from various locations.  Blood all over the wall. As reality sinks back in, I join my fellow co-worker in the dark.

There are loud bangs and thunderous roars, again my cinematic imagination kicks in.  Super zombies!  Lights come on, I turn to see the floor swarming with the decaying carcasses of those who were stuck in the warehouse death trap. Images fade to an empty floor. We go to the datacenter to start powering up servers.  Another roar is sounded as power fails us, teasing us.

So many more scenes run through my head.  Maybe zombies flood the server room since our door is wide open.  Or a suspenseful scene of a body getting thrown around in a bloody mess in front of the huge data center window, just before the power goes again.  I’m filled with ideas as we walk out to the floor.

Back to where we were, only the emergency light batteries managed to charge enough to bring back our depressing and ominous scene. My mental masterpiece has reached its climax.  The scenes come flooding with possible exit strategies as well as the horrific onslaught of living dead, but alas short lived as power is restored and the work begins. Reality is back and my imagination numbed by the task at hand.  I should go to Hollywood and drop this computer stuff =P

Giving birth sucks, its the life long adventure after that matters!  Though going through that adventure with me as you’re child had to be some crazy ass shit.  I give some serious kudo’s to the women that raised me.  Sure I started off all cute and fat and adorable, but that changes.  I grew up and had a crazy attitude, and aimed every ounce of that attitude at her.  The gal in question managed to deal with my whiny and bitchy ass, continue to raise my two brothers, and deal with the drama of work ect.  We had / have our issues and differences, but she is still my mom.  She raised me well, gave me a home, took care of me, and gave me a set of morals that I am proud of.  I can happily say that I am who I am in part of the way I was raised.  Granted she can be just as much a pain in my ass as much as I AM in hers (hehe), I love her.  She brought me into this world, and with that…. I am here to annoy the shit outa the rest of you!  Love ya mom! Happy mommies day, hope its a good one ^_^

Yes this is a tad out of character, but you know what…. if you have a problem you can suck it <3 =D

OOOOOKAY!! By demand I am going to write something in today.

So I explained my first drinking incident that involved cops and all of its glory, now on to the rest of the list!  Though Heather…  I’m still not sure I can ever forgive you for it either… >=(

Any one here ever done something they regret?  And I’m not just talking “Oops…”  I am talking like “OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!!!! I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AFTER THIS!!! I CAN’T FUNCTION PROPERLY!!! BRAIN… NOT… FUNCTIONING!!!” kind of thing?  *raises hand*  ugh…

So twilight aids… twice… -_-

You know its bad enough that the modern tween chicks(and a few guys >.<) actually got dragged into the new fad that is Twilight, but some actual adult like figures got pulled in as well.  I can’t say I understand this at all because personally, it was written horribly!  The author was writing for a simple minded audience obviously, you can tell by her writing.  It was just written terribly! Seriously, people I know personally who like this shit on paper have even agreed that it’s written poorly.  SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!111!one  How can so many people like this shit and admit that it is something I should wipe my ass with?! This obsession has become a fucking cult! and you can see it every where you go.  [this is where I lead into what I was actually meaning to talk about ;) ]

Heather and myself go down to Louisville to watch Pirate Radio, and holy sparkling vampires batman! The theater is full of twilight tweenies!!  FULL of them!!  I am fairly sure that I caught something just by standing off to the side trying to avoid the brainless bloodsucking sparklers.  Luckily that didn’t last too long, I was getting sick to the stomach, we were able to make it to our seats and rid ourselves of these kids.  But if this experience wasn’t enough, I had already set myself up for something FAR worse…

[incoming Jaws music] [set plot back a few days prior to movies excursion]

I am on the phone with Heather, trying to talk her into seeing pirate radio with me.  We haven’t hung out in ages, not like we used to at least, and I severely missed hanging out with one of my craziest friends.  So to ensure that we could actually hang out, with out thinking much at all, I recall her telling me her, Billy, and Janette were all going to see the new Twilight movie…  If you haven’t guessed what I just did by now I declare you moron sir/ ma’am and should be shot =D

That’s right… I fucking told her that if she goes with me I’ll go with her.  [reference: OMFG!!! stated above]  Sad part is… I went through with it.

I show up at her place day of, and every one already seems ready to go.  I enthusiastically drag my already sick carcass to the car and ride on to La Grange.  If having to go wasn’t bad enough, these fuckers were actually going to have me buy my ticket solo.  Yeah imagine this if you would:

Random guy walks in a theater with a dude and two chicks, nothing out of the ordinary.  They all get in line talking, having a good time laughing and all while waiting.  Its their turn and the one guy only buys three tickets, and gives two to the girls.  The remaining fellow walks up and says with such despair in his voice I almost didn’t laugh “One for twilight please…..”

FUCK NO!!! I made Billy give me his damn money and I got the tickets as a group.  Fucking fuck fuckers fucking making me get ONE ticket for TWILIGHT by myself… I don’t think so, bad enough I was even there! >=(

So we get the tickets and find our seat and the torture begins.  Let me please describe to you the absolute hell that I went through for two hours and thirty five minutes……

The lights dim, girls are going crazy, people are finding their seats and I notice… besides Billy, I’m not the only guy here!  Some other poor bastards got tricked into this as well! So I don’t feel as bad… at this moment.  Movie starts, and we’re given the character Bella Swan.  I will refer to her as her acting style though: EMOtionless….  This chick had the same damn look on her fucking face for the entire film.  2 1/2 hours of simply -_-   Seriously! I am not making this shit up!  We are then introduced to a few other characters that I assumed were the vampires (Dracula would roll over in his grave if he wasn’t a pile of dust), as well as the infamous Edward and Jacob.  These two characters… seemed pretty much the same to me.  Every single one of their lines were the same!

I love you EMOtionless! I’ll do anything for you EMOtionless!  I love you so much I can’t be with you now so I’m going to push you away and make you go through seizures and random fits of pain and agony EMOtionless!  Really… I just don’t know what to do at this point.  Sadly… that was the movie.  Both these guys claim to love the same girl, leave her, and make her go through some epileptic attack and shit.  I have nothing else to say for the movie.

Though I had some horrible moments where Jacob (I will call him ‘Dude w/o shirt for every time he practically appeared on scream, our mister sharkboy was shirtless) would come on and every fucking single girl in the audience would woo and possibly even the crotchal regions get damp….. and the fucking gay guy behind me would grunt something fierce. Again, I am not fucking kidding you!  I was pretty sure there was something nasty crawling down the back of my seat.  I went as far to ask and make sure nothing got on me >.<

We have an empty shell of a character as a main character who doesn’t seem to make any progression through the story, two irritably  over attractive male figures, and no plot…  So I reiterate….How can so many people like this shit and admit that it is something I should wipe my ass with?!  And why did I actually go to see this PoS on film?!

I’m going to go take a shower, just remembering this awful event makes me feel dirty with diseases

,|,,

(WARNING: VOCABULARY IN THIS STORY IS THAT OF AN AVERAGE PERSON AND NOT AS WITTY AS THE OTHERS. DON’T LIKE IT… SHOVE UP YOUR ASS PLEASE =D)

Well… I apologize for that absence. I had said I would be back and write more but that got denied due to over working. I had worked pretty much every single day since I moved here. Not a weekend off till now, so I enjoyed today by playing WoW all day =p  Any who, on to what all I had said I would write about! But first!! I shall bring you up to speed as to what was going on in my life up to my first story (November 21, 2009).

As most of you know I was in Phoenix deploying the Census site there, in mid August I was brought back home early to prepare for a mini-census thing. We learned the new system and actually got to work with the system we all helped build/ put together. Really, the only thing I learned in the week of “training” before things got serious… I’m screwed! They made me a “lead” over 3rd shift, which I find hilarious, with only two people on that shift. To make that even funnier, only one of them stayed the full time of production. So after production was done we were kept an extra week to ‘rebuild’ the site. We pulled pretty stupid hours (12+) about every day. I was fed up and asked for two weeks off when that was over (1 for seeing people before I moved, and the other week to actually move). Well that started off great because work needed someone to work that Saturday and guess who the lucky one to do that was… on his first day of vacation?! Yeah me! As if I haven’t already put enough fucking work into this project, they ask me to come in again! Being the overly nice guy I am,  I do it. Things go bad and I have to explain way too much to higher ups, which wasn’t fun, then left.

Now here is the part you all want to hear (or already have). Though for the ones that have already heard this one, know it’s worth hearing again. On my way home I decide, what the hell! Let’s go see Dwayne and his family for their early Thanksgiving dinner!

Boy am I glad I did. Best time I have had in such a fucking long time! I get there and everyone is already drinking. I say hey to everyone there and meet Dwayne’s new boyfriend (whom I thought was a cool guy at the time). After a while of hanging out, I decide to fuck it all and give mom (Dwayne’s mom rather) my keys and started drinking with them. They were playing this drinking game with a deck of cards

Rules: (if my memory serves me)

• Black 2-10 you are meant to take that many shots

• Red 2-10 you can dish out that many shots divided as you choose

• Jacks mean you can ‘Jack’ some ones card, steal it or whatever

•Queens are waterfalls (these are fun). Say you are drinking with 4 people, you get a queen. You will start drinking, then the person next to you starts, and then next to them, and so on. The catch is, you can’t stop drinking till the person before you stops drinking. =D!

• Kings are dares

•Aces, you get to make a new rule for the game

Lucky little me decides to start playing the game a fucking dare. Genius I know right?! So I am then give about an average size cup… filled with yeigher. GROSS! To make that even better, they mixed it with some beer >.< I was given 5 minutes to down that nasty concoction. Next card drawn… An ace. Guess who the prime target of this lovely new rule is? You guessed it! ME! The rule was made so that when any one else has to take a shot, I have to match it……. WTF!!! I then decide to raid whatever alcohol was left to find the weaker stuff because I knew this was going to end ugly. I found the remaining Mike’s Hard lemonade and took ownership of them, but wasn’t allowed to go all wimpy, I was also given the remaining 3 jell-o shots. This was horrible experience really. That may have been some weak stuff, but the game only lasted 30 minutes total after I joined, and I had downed all three drinks, two of the jell-o shots, and that god awful glass of Yeigher. Now remember that was all in fucking 30 minutes! That’s really a lot in a small amount of time! It takes the body an hour or so just to break down 1 drink of alcohol, and I had 3… plus a cup of Yeigher… and 2 jell-o shots. I’m fucked up by this point!

We end the game and go to Dwayne’s lil apartment thingy in the back yardish area of his parents place. There me and Dwayne’s step brother Berry have semi serious yet deep conversation about comic hero movies and other comic heroes. Over all was having a blast trying to hold this conversation that we both took very serious. You ever tried to hold a conversation while drunk, a conversation you took serious at least? It is absolutely fucking hilarious!!

So here is where things kind of go downhill for the night. There is a knocking on the door and I and Berry decide to go see who it is. For the sake of not putting people’s names in here let us just call this individual “Bitch”. She comes in; Berry and I go back to talking comics and shit and have a blast. We hear in the background that there is a cop at the end of the road waiting to arrest one of the people here (again I’m not about to point fingers or name name’s, so this person we shall just leave anonymous).

Well there went the fucking night! Right? Are you kidding me?! My life for the last 6 months has been nothing but work! Fuck yes let’s bring on the cops!! Oh wait… I’m underage… I have a government job… I’M UNDERAGE!! Meh… fuck it. Let’s see what happens =p

So I am brought into the house to try and sober up before the cop actually makes his way over to the house. While all the chaos is going on outside, I am sitting in the living room area staring at the ceiling, jaw slacked, probably drooling, but feeling great! Adrenaline is rushing through me but I’m so fucking drunk I can’t move.

Ever have those dreams where you are in the greatest state of ever and thinking nothing can bring you down, you’re on top of the world and everything it right?! Then suddenly the mountain you’re standing on is actually a volcano and it’s about to erupt… Yeah, you’re fucked. This is pretty much what happened to me. I am feeling superb! Then… out of nowhere… without a bit of warning… My entire fucking world starts to spin… and fast!!

I get up and run fast to the bathroom because we all know what’s about to happen. That volcano I mentioned a bit ago… yeah, it’s about to explode. So I’m standing in front of the god forsaken door pulling on it and pulling on it but couldn’t get it to fucking open. I’m panicking as I feel myself let it all up and vomit. I try as hard as I can to keep it all in and even put some back down (trust me, it tasted worst then is sounds >.<).

So, at this point I am so drunk that I can hear, but not process, my friends mom yelling at me “It’s a push door Kevin… Kevin push the door… Push! Damnit Kevin Push the door open!” Finally it will sink it and I open the fucking offending door. I only manage to JUST get in the bathroom before I projectile vomit all in the toilet. Luckily the seat was up and most of it went in. The sad thing is, even while throwing up chunks of god knows what, I’m laughing, which actually makes this all the more unpleasant. Dwayne’s poor mom comes in and helps clean up as I’m spewing my guts all over her porcelain shitter.

While she’s whipping the contents of my stomach off of my face I ask her if she wants to see something potentially really gross… Not waiting for an answer, I plug one nostril and blow hard out the other, and shoot tons and shit out of my nose. And then proceed to do the same for the other nostril. I could not stop fucking laughing! It was so gross it amused the absolute hell out of me!

So to wrap up this awesome hell of a night… I got drunk… realized that if this is going to get me all excited and adrenaline pumping… I really have had no fucking life for quite a while! Who cares though it was a blast! Lessoned learned though: Don’t open the door when your drunk… it could potentially ruin your night =p