The Tab

**This does not have spoilers as I just talk about the film in general without going into real depth, so don’t get your panties in a bind.**

In 1998, America was introduced to one of the greatest fantasy book series of my generation (HAHA suck it Twilight!).  By 2001 we were given the first cinematic installment of Harry Potter.  Anyone who had read the books squealed like a little girl and nerd-gasm’d…. no?  That was just me? Anyone?

Chris Columbus directed the “Sorcerer’s Stone” as well as the “Chamber of Secrets”, which happened to be the only two of the Harry Potter movies I liked.  His image of what he perceived this world to look like wasn’t too far off from I had imagined it to look like.  His vision as amazing, and clever, the way he laid everything out was simply spectacular.  Everything from the Dursely’s neighborhood to Diagon Alley, from Platform 9 ¾ to the Hogwart’s Castle, and anything in between.

What surprised me the most though was the cast, and how much even they looked, and acted like I would have imagined.  Columbus had out done himself in all of this.  How can you make this anymore epic then that?!  He remade an entire world practically the same as any one I have talked to would vision it themselves, what could he possibly do to make it better? I’ll tell you how!  No movie is really complete without a good soundtrack, and who better to do the music for your epic movie the fucking John Williams!!!

This man is known by all, and if they say they don’t they’re lying to you.  This is the man who has composed music for Star Wars, Jaws, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, and Superman.  He composed music for the first three films, however his more notable song “Hedwig’s Theme” was used throughout the remaining films, and we all know you get giddy as a school girl when you hear that intro!  Williams was suppose to return for the finale of the series but the director David Yates claimed that he could not because their schedule’s didn’t align…. FUCK YOU DAVID!! WILLIAMS DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU! YOU WORK FOR HIM!! HE WILL MAKE YOUR MOVIES EPIC… and sir your first few Harry Potter films needed all the help they could get.

David Yates Directed the 5^th, 6^th, as well as part one and two of the 7^th installments.  Apparently Columbus didn’t want to continue working on the series, and to make matters worse!!!! Richard Harris (Dumbledore) passed away from Hodgkin’s disease in 2002.  This personally crushed me because I thought he was absolutely perfect for the role, alas some else would have to take up the role.  Frankly he can never be replaced, he WAS Dumbledore! Although Michael Gambon didn’t to a terrible job as Dumbledore, just a shame he had to start off in Alfonso Cauron’s “Prisoner of Azkaban”.  This movie just tore me apart!  At the time it was my favorite of the books, yet was slaughtered by this film.

Suddenly things were changed around, the house robes were no longer in the films(RAGE!!!), somehow Hagrid’s hut got relocated from a nice flat field to the side of some rocky hill (wtf?!?!), and the ghost’s were all gone (unless they were needed for convenience sake of the plot).  I mean it was bad enough no one included Peeves, but you took out ALL the fucking ghosts?!?!

After Columbus left it just seemed like no one could do the books any kind of justice, not even the actors.  The main three kids just seemed to get worse with each film, don’t believe me?  Go watch the scene in “Prisoner of Azkaban” where Harry is crying in the snow about Sirius Black… it’s painful.  When they started off all cute and little it was fine.  They were young and probably nervous about being in such a film, which I could only imagine actually helping in the first two films.  The first film they play kids who are introduced to a new world, new school, crazy things like three headed dogs and moving stair cases!  They were meant to act as nervous kids!

By the second film they’d have been through enough to get it down, and they do.  The sequel was fantastic and I thought their acting had improved a lot.  But holy shit wtf happened between the 2^nd and 3^rd film?  Things just felt either over played or down played, it was atrocious!  Nothing was down played more than the fight at Hogwarts in the 6^th movie.

This was a HUGE turning point in the story with such a nasty twist it almost made you sick! And yet David Yates managed to completely down play it like “Meh Dumbledore died (again, haha!…. I’m so going to hell for that) no big.  What? Snape is suppose to kill him? So what?  Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me”…. So I repeat

FUCK YOU DAVID!!

For some reason we kept David though for the two parter of “The Deathly Hallows” I honestly couldn’t say I was really enthusiastic about it.  With the previous 4 films not living up to their predecessor’s, I was just expecting this movie to flop.  Although being a Harry Potter fan, and this being the last of the series, I wanted to see it regardless.  I tried to fool myself thinking “Well, it’s in two parts… should give more time for content and story right?”  Sadly it also leaves more room for shenanigans and unnecessary bull shit.

So I went to the midnight release of David Yates “The Deathly Hallows”, sitting there with Josh talking about how much shit the previous films were, how I didn’t expect this to be any different, and I can feel myself becoming a target.  Midnight release of a Harry Potter film probably isn’t the best place to talk crap about said movie.  The picture eventually starts and as I’m watching the previews I was pretty sure they would be more entertaining that the movie itself.

It starts off its usual way with the camera flying through the clouds and I get a sense of nostalgia when I heard the intro start to play.  From that moment on, I was made a fool who was to eat his own words of doubt.

The film will quickly move into the action, keeping your attention from the start up till it finishes.  Our main actors and all the supporting cast were just phenomenal throughout the entire film.  Nothing seemed too over the top as they have been prior and didn’t make my cringe watching them.  The action was great, the drama felt believable, the acting improved, the story was true to the book (more so than they have been since “The Chamber of Secrets”, and the emotion was there.

I actually found myself feeling for the characters this time, they felt real.  It astonished me as to how much the three main kids improved since the previous film just a few years ago.  They didn’t seem overly dramatic, it was really nice to see them actually act and not pretend to act (there seemed to be real tears, not that scrunched up face then quickly pan away).

I still think Daniel Radcliffe is the weakest of the actors.  Emma Watson I think I would choose next as a weaker actor, however both were brilliant in this film, they still had a few scenes that it seemed as though they were trying just too hard.  It wasn’t nearly as painful as previous films and in fact was barely an issue at all.  Rupert Grint was, and has been my favorite actors since the first film.  He has been a descent actor since then, and actually has seemed to improve.  His role in this last movie as pretty spectacular compared to the other two.

The supporting casts (the little you get to see them) were just as spectacular.  Anyone who has read the books knows that this is all a pretty intense environment in every scene, and these actors give off that emotion well.  They all know what is going on, and know what is suppose to happen, and just portray it all with excellence.  Everyone seems on edge with the growing threat of Voldermort, and again, couldn’t be shown any more brilliantly than they did.

It’s rather hard for me to praise a film, as making fun of films is easy and can make better laugh material; this was still an excellent film.  This is one of the best movies that has come out in a rather long time.  I know to expect some Oscar nominations from this film, and I believe it should.  Comparatively to anything else that has come out this year, I’d say this is in my top 5 favorites of 2010. Between “The Deathly Hallows Prt 1”, “Inception”, and “Toy Story 3”, nothing really else this year stands out to me.  There was “Predators” and “The Expendables”, but they didn’t seem Oscar worthy.  Regardless This was just a fantastic film and I highly recommend it.

PS.  This movie had me in tears both times I watched it T-T

Since my request to close my tab has been denied… I figure I might as well keep the tab in work.  The Elder will not close my tab, so alas I shall continue to rack up the bill.  Enough with the lame tab joke, it was made when I started the site.  Wasn’t funny then, isn’t funny now (even if I still do giggle at the lame ass joke >.<).  So on with my point of this post….

Alas Disney has done it again… They give Tim Burton rights to a movie he should not have created.  With the hopes of him recreating Alice in Wonderland as it should be, not that crazy, fucked up, horrible acid trip with absinthe, meth, and speed… mixed with what I would assume to be cute and cuddly creatures but due to the (see list of narcotics listed prior) of shit storm cartoon Disney made many years back… We get this.  This “sequel” to the psychotic dream world of a girl who fell down a rabbit hole.  So… lets begin -_-

-=SPOILERS=-

We start this film off… wait lemme at least state that this “sequel” to the CARTOON!!! is live action >.>… some time after the main character has fallen into the rabbit hole and already experienced the (see narcotic reference above) that is ‘Wonderland’.  Though for what ever reasons (couldn’t imagine why/how) she thinks it all to be a dream.  Let me repeat… a dream.  What kind of fucked up child would dream up such a place?! Any who… so her father figure person whom we will never see again yet will be mentioned a few times later on, tells her that she is mad (no shit) but the crazies are to be looked upon kind of like message.

-Jump so many years later so that she is now 19-

On her way to what I at first assumed to be just a normal party seemed to be more of a trap for the poor girl to be snared into an engagement by some god awful British stiff who made my blood boil just having to see the prick >.>  I do find this absolutely hilarious since he’s not in the movie long, but just the site of the fellow pisses me off XD.  Sorry back to the craziness that is Tim Burton’s Alice.  While the fucktard is trying to ask for Alice’s hand in marriage, she sees the white rabbit, runs from the stiff and manages to fall back down this rabbit hole… again.  She goes through the same crap with the growing and the shrinking and the confusion and potions and the cakes till she finally manages to open the door way to ‘Underland’ or something of the sort.

Yeah, so apparently this world is named for fruit of the loom?

She meets many of the same folk she did in the cartoon, they say she’s not who they’re looking for it confuses the shit out of her, she goes for some crazy ass trip around this psychopathic world of nonsense until she meets up with this…. Only not nearly as cool and sadly makes much much less sense.  So to save on a lot of time, people try to find Alice because they think she is here to destroy this Jabberwocky thing, other people try to save and hide Alice because the think she is here to destroy this Jabberwocky thing, ends up in the Red Queens castle as a very large Alice, then ends up in the White Queens castle drinks a horrible concoction of fingers, spit (from the overly gracious White Queen herself) and god knows what else to become normal size again so that she can discover she was the Alice every one thought she was to destroy the Jabberwocky thing, then finally kills the Jabberwocky thing.  Make sense?  Yeah didn’t to me either >.<

Its like Aslan from Narnia ate too many worms from the bottom of the bottle and took a shit and voila!  Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland (Underland?)

In short…

This! plus times SHOULD NOT EQUAL UP TO THIS!!!

Though give the past of all of the above  it shouldn’t surprise me at all….. blah!

OOOOOKAY!! By demand I am going to write something in today.

So I explained my first drinking incident that involved cops and all of its glory, now on to the rest of the list!  Though Heather…  I’m still not sure I can ever forgive you for it either… >=(

Any one here ever done something they regret?  And I’m not just talking “Oops…”  I am talking like “OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT!!!! I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AFTER THIS!!! I CAN’T FUNCTION PROPERLY!!! BRAIN… NOT… FUNCTIONING!!!” kind of thing?  *raises hand*  ugh…

So twilight aids… twice… -_-

You know its bad enough that the modern tween chicks(and a few guys >.<) actually got dragged into the new fad that is Twilight, but some actual adult like figures got pulled in as well.  I can’t say I understand this at all because personally, it was written horribly!  The author was writing for a simple minded audience obviously, you can tell by her writing.  It was just written terribly! Seriously, people I know personally who like this shit on paper have even agreed that it’s written poorly.  SO WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!111!one  How can so many people like this shit and admit that it is something I should wipe my ass with?! This obsession has become a fucking cult! and you can see it every where you go.  [this is where I lead into what I was actually meaning to talk about ;) ]

Heather and myself go down to Louisville to watch Pirate Radio, and holy sparkling vampires batman! The theater is full of twilight tweenies!!  FULL of them!!  I am fairly sure that I caught something just by standing off to the side trying to avoid the brainless bloodsucking sparklers.  Luckily that didn’t last too long, I was getting sick to the stomach, we were able to make it to our seats and rid ourselves of these kids.  But if this experience wasn’t enough, I had already set myself up for something FAR worse…

[incoming Jaws music] [set plot back a few days prior to movies excursion]

I am on the phone with Heather, trying to talk her into seeing pirate radio with me.  We haven’t hung out in ages, not like we used to at least, and I severely missed hanging out with one of my craziest friends.  So to ensure that we could actually hang out, with out thinking much at all, I recall her telling me her, Billy, and Janette were all going to see the new Twilight movie…  If you haven’t guessed what I just did by now I declare you moron sir/ ma’am and should be shot =D

That’s right… I fucking told her that if she goes with me I’ll go with her.  [reference: OMFG!!! stated above]  Sad part is… I went through with it.

I show up at her place day of, and every one already seems ready to go.  I enthusiastically drag my already sick carcass to the car and ride on to La Grange.  If having to go wasn’t bad enough, these fuckers were actually going to have me buy my ticket solo.  Yeah imagine this if you would:

Random guy walks in a theater with a dude and two chicks, nothing out of the ordinary.  They all get in line talking, having a good time laughing and all while waiting.  Its their turn and the one guy only buys three tickets, and gives two to the girls.  The remaining fellow walks up and says with such despair in his voice I almost didn’t laugh “One for twilight please…..”

FUCK NO!!! I made Billy give me his damn money and I got the tickets as a group.  Fucking fuck fuckers fucking making me get ONE ticket for TWILIGHT by myself… I don’t think so, bad enough I was even there! >=(

So we get the tickets and find our seat and the torture begins.  Let me please describe to you the absolute hell that I went through for two hours and thirty five minutes……

The lights dim, girls are going crazy, people are finding their seats and I notice… besides Billy, I’m not the only guy here!  Some other poor bastards got tricked into this as well! So I don’t feel as bad… at this moment.  Movie starts, and we’re given the character Bella Swan.  I will refer to her as her acting style though: EMOtionless….  This chick had the same damn look on her fucking face for the entire film.  2 1/2 hours of simply -_-   Seriously! I am not making this shit up!  We are then introduced to a few other characters that I assumed were the vampires (Dracula would roll over in his grave if he wasn’t a pile of dust), as well as the infamous Edward and Jacob.  These two characters… seemed pretty much the same to me.  Every single one of their lines were the same!

I love you EMOtionless! I’ll do anything for you EMOtionless!  I love you so much I can’t be with you now so I’m going to push you away and make you go through seizures and random fits of pain and agony EMOtionless!  Really… I just don’t know what to do at this point.  Sadly… that was the movie.  Both these guys claim to love the same girl, leave her, and make her go through some epileptic attack and shit.  I have nothing else to say for the movie.

Though I had some horrible moments where Jacob (I will call him ‘Dude w/o shirt for every time he practically appeared on scream, our mister sharkboy was shirtless) would come on and every fucking single girl in the audience would woo and possibly even the crotchal regions get damp….. and the fucking gay guy behind me would grunt something fierce. Again, I am not fucking kidding you!  I was pretty sure there was something nasty crawling down the back of my seat.  I went as far to ask and make sure nothing got on me >.<

We have an empty shell of a character as a main character who doesn’t seem to make any progression through the story, two irritably  over attractive male figures, and no plot…  So I reiterate….How can so many people like this shit and admit that it is something I should wipe my ass with?!  And why did I actually go to see this PoS on film?!

I’m going to go take a shower, just remembering this awful event makes me feel dirty with diseases

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