The Tab

Not going to lie, I don’t want to do this.  I mean I REALLY don’t want to do this.  I despise this movie and practically everything in it.  I think instead of going through the entire movie, I will pick are particular WTF scenes and rage on them.   Alas, I’ve planned this for months (now regretting it) so here it is.  My 1 year tribute to the site, a rage review on Michael Bay’s Transformers and all its shit stained glory -_-

Que Eeyore… err, Optimus Prime >.> “Before time began, there was *brief dramatic pause* the cube” *facepalm* Apparently this cube can create worlds and life within that world.  There was a standard good vs evil war over the cube up till they lost it..  How the?! How does one lose this fucking thing?  “So hey… Optimus… you know that cube, the important one that we’ve been fighting over for years?  We kinda lost it >.>  My bad.”  GG guys… you rock \m/

Open to a chopper flying around Qatar (like I’m supposed to know where that is?(Wewtz google maps!)), where we see a group of army folks giving shit to a Hispanic character, remembering the good ‘ol days of baseball and dogs.  Ah the American dream, classy! Nice shot of the sun setting as the choppers land…. And suddenly back to what I would assume to be midday? WTF? *breathes slowly and counts to ten* it’s too early to rage, it’s too early to rage >.<  Let’s see their base! They have a lagoon!… that consists of kiddy pools and floaty devices >.> Pedobear approves? OH HEY! A lil boy… this just got really creepy.

So what I hope to be our plot decides to fly in cleverly disguised as a chopper that was already shot down… GG?  Oh look! Its sunset again! And now it’s back to 2pm.  We leave our supposed plot for the captain guy to go make a fart joke at the expense of is new born daughter, and cut back to sunset as our plot prepares to land!  Yay! 5 minutes in and I can’t tell how many days has passed… I fucking hate this movie -_- It is at this point I’m really having a hard time controlling the rage.  Every different angle they try and show this chopper in, makes it look like it’s a different time of the day wtf guys?! Get a grasp on the time you want to shoot here!!! OH GOOD!! Its suddenly night now…..

So our plot lands, goes through about 6 different times of the day in a matter of moments and… what was that? Did they really?! Omg they actually used the traditional transforming sound!  I shouldn’t be that surprised, but if they can’t keep track of time, I didn’t expect them to remember the sound! +2 nostalgia point!  So as our robot transforms… and transforms… for fuck sakes it’s still transforming… OK! Once he transforms he goes all Michael Bay on us and starts blowing shit up.  Den duh robot be all like “All ur dataz R belong to me!” and den duh military gais be all “Lawl! Denied!”

We then see our captain running from the explosions with the little local boy from earlier and… wait what?! Why is that kid still there?! Where are is his parents?!  Does pedobear approve?!  Moving on, as the robot is destroying shit and nearly steps on a random black dude (is that politically correct?), and instead of being all “OMG WTF gotta GTFO!!!” he’s all “hey cool gais, I’m gonna catch this on film!”

Yeah, that’s the first 10 minutes and nothing happened.  We had explosions, special effects, and people screaming…. HOLY SHIT!!! That kind of sums up the entire film.  Ugh, moving on to the next WTF scene…

It’s not really a WTF moment, but I want you all do try this.  Watch the scene with Burnie Mac, fast forward it and play Benny Hill.  I kid you not; you will laugh your ass off!  In fact, hell, watch the whole shit movie with Benny Hill!  It’s more entertaining

There happens to be a scene though, that above all others, makes me rage so hard it hurts!  I make it as short as possible though and explain why its…. Well…. FUCKING RETARDED!!!!

Cut to Pentagon, “Hey gais, the other team found out who attacked us! Iran!” “No way! They aren’t smart enough lawl!” >.> anyone else see an issue there? I feel that may piss some Middle Eastern people off =p.  Suddenly cut to Air Force One where we see a random radio under a chair and OMG ITS MOVING!!… what? You guys didn’t see that, the random radio that turned into a robot and is now behind that guy? Wtf chick you walked right past it and you didn’t see it?! I don’t give a rats ass about ding dongs! There is an evil little bastard robot OMG ITS IN THE ELEVATOR WITH YOU!! You’re a dumb bitch… you deserve to die… srsly.  Yeah choke on that ding dong you dumb whore.  Laugh it up there slut, while you’re munching on that ding dong that lil guy is dry humping your computer! *Sudden cut to pentagon* *Sudden cut to AF1* *Cut back to Pentagon* *Back to AF1* anyone else getting dizzy?  Can robots orgasm? I’m pretty sure that little guy just did… Technophelia what?  Really though no one sees, There you go shoot the lil bastard!  Oh of coarse he gets away!

We land Air Force One and I would hope they’re searching the plane.   Good thing the people on ground are alert so that he won’t try to escape through the landing gear hatch and stroll on into the only car that happens to not look like any other vehicle and have “Punish and Eslave” written on it.  And just for cute humor, flip them all off, because you know, it’s funny! FAWK THIS FILM!

Our story is practically nonexistent, characters are meh, and let it be known, I think the parents are the true antagonist of this movie.  Not to be thought of as the people to good guys have to fight, but like, they are my main reason for hating this film.  If we could take them completely out of the movie, I would say the movie could have been at least 30% better.  OR! Any god forsaken scene that either of the parents were included in, should have the Benny Hill theme playing and the scene should be running 2x normal speed!  They had the immature slapstick like humor any ways, why not just go the full 9 yards and play Benny Hill?!… on second thought… no… just remove them!

Fuck this piece of shit and everything that goes with it!  I can’t go any further and I’ve barely even hit half an hour.  There is just so much that pisses me off I can’t take it.  This was just a chance for Hasbro to release yet another line of toys and make millions.  I am ashamed that they let Michael Bay do this to them and not at least act like they feel bad for the fans, not once, BUT TWICE!!!  I just can’t continue to watch this film and review it.  Sorry folks… I’m calling it done.  It sucks, end of story.  I’m going to go soak my rage in some booze and do something stupid in hopes that I’ll remember to never watch the damn movie again >=O