The Tab

(WARNING: VOCABULARY IN THIS STORY IS THAT OF AN AVERAGE PERSON AND NOT AS WITTY AS THE OTHERS. DON’T LIKE IT… SHOVE UP YOUR ASS PLEASE =D)

Well… I apologize for that absence. I had said I would be back and write more but that got denied due to over working. I had worked pretty much every single day since I moved here. Not a weekend off till now, so I enjoyed today by playing WoW all day =p  Any who, on to what all I had said I would write about! But first!! I shall bring you up to speed as to what was going on in my life up to my first story (November 21, 2009).

As most of you know I was in Phoenix deploying the Census site there, in mid August I was brought back home early to prepare for a mini-census thing. We learned the new system and actually got to work with the system we all helped build/ put together. Really, the only thing I learned in the week of “training” before things got serious… I’m screwed! They made me a “lead” over 3rd shift, which I find hilarious, with only two people on that shift. To make that even funnier, only one of them stayed the full time of production. So after production was done we were kept an extra week to ‘rebuild’ the site. We pulled pretty stupid hours (12+) about every day. I was fed up and asked for two weeks off when that was over (1 for seeing people before I moved, and the other week to actually move). Well that started off great because work needed someone to work that Saturday and guess who the lucky one to do that was… on his first day of vacation?! Yeah me! As if I haven’t already put enough fucking work into this project, they ask me to come in again! Being the overly nice guy I am,  I do it. Things go bad and I have to explain way too much to higher ups, which wasn’t fun, then left.

Now here is the part you all want to hear (or already have). Though for the ones that have already heard this one, know it’s worth hearing again. On my way home I decide, what the hell! Let’s go see Dwayne and his family for their early Thanksgiving dinner!

Boy am I glad I did. Best time I have had in such a fucking long time! I get there and everyone is already drinking. I say hey to everyone there and meet Dwayne’s new boyfriend (whom I thought was a cool guy at the time). After a while of hanging out, I decide to fuck it all and give mom (Dwayne’s mom rather) my keys and started drinking with them. They were playing this drinking game with a deck of cards

Rules: (if my memory serves me)

• Black 2-10 you are meant to take that many shots

• Red 2-10 you can dish out that many shots divided as you choose

• Jacks mean you can ‘Jack’ some ones card, steal it or whatever

•Queens are waterfalls (these are fun). Say you are drinking with 4 people, you get a queen. You will start drinking, then the person next to you starts, and then next to them, and so on. The catch is, you can’t stop drinking till the person before you stops drinking. =D!

• Kings are dares

•Aces, you get to make a new rule for the game

Lucky little me decides to start playing the game a fucking dare. Genius I know right?! So I am then give about an average size cup… filled with yeigher. GROSS! To make that even better, they mixed it with some beer >.< I was given 5 minutes to down that nasty concoction. Next card drawn… An ace. Guess who the prime target of this lovely new rule is? You guessed it! ME! The rule was made so that when any one else has to take a shot, I have to match it……. WTF!!! I then decide to raid whatever alcohol was left to find the weaker stuff because I knew this was going to end ugly. I found the remaining Mike’s Hard lemonade and took ownership of them, but wasn’t allowed to go all wimpy, I was also given the remaining 3 jell-o shots. This was horrible experience really. That may have been some weak stuff, but the game only lasted 30 minutes total after I joined, and I had downed all three drinks, two of the jell-o shots, and that god awful glass of Yeigher. Now remember that was all in fucking 30 minutes! That’s really a lot in a small amount of time! It takes the body an hour or so just to break down 1 drink of alcohol, and I had 3… plus a cup of Yeigher… and 2 jell-o shots. I’m fucked up by this point!

We end the game and go to Dwayne’s lil apartment thingy in the back yardish area of his parents place. There me and Dwayne’s step brother Berry have semi serious yet deep conversation about comic hero movies and other comic heroes. Over all was having a blast trying to hold this conversation that we both took very serious. You ever tried to hold a conversation while drunk, a conversation you took serious at least? It is absolutely fucking hilarious!!

So here is where things kind of go downhill for the night. There is a knocking on the door and I and Berry decide to go see who it is. For the sake of not putting people’s names in here let us just call this individual “Bitch”. She comes in; Berry and I go back to talking comics and shit and have a blast. We hear in the background that there is a cop at the end of the road waiting to arrest one of the people here (again I’m not about to point fingers or name name’s, so this person we shall just leave anonymous).

Well there went the fucking night! Right? Are you kidding me?! My life for the last 6 months has been nothing but work! Fuck yes let’s bring on the cops!! Oh wait… I’m underage… I have a government job… I’M UNDERAGE!! Meh… fuck it. Let’s see what happens =p

So I am brought into the house to try and sober up before the cop actually makes his way over to the house. While all the chaos is going on outside, I am sitting in the living room area staring at the ceiling, jaw slacked, probably drooling, but feeling great! Adrenaline is rushing through me but I’m so fucking drunk I can’t move.

Ever have those dreams where you are in the greatest state of ever and thinking nothing can bring you down, you’re on top of the world and everything it right?! Then suddenly the mountain you’re standing on is actually a volcano and it’s about to erupt… Yeah, you’re fucked. This is pretty much what happened to me. I am feeling superb! Then… out of nowhere… without a bit of warning… My entire fucking world starts to spin… and fast!!

I get up and run fast to the bathroom because we all know what’s about to happen. That volcano I mentioned a bit ago… yeah, it’s about to explode. So I’m standing in front of the god forsaken door pulling on it and pulling on it but couldn’t get it to fucking open. I’m panicking as I feel myself let it all up and vomit. I try as hard as I can to keep it all in and even put some back down (trust me, it tasted worst then is sounds >.<).

So, at this point I am so drunk that I can hear, but not process, my friends mom yelling at me “It’s a push door Kevin… Kevin push the door… Push! Damnit Kevin Push the door open!” Finally it will sink it and I open the fucking offending door. I only manage to JUST get in the bathroom before I projectile vomit all in the toilet. Luckily the seat was up and most of it went in. The sad thing is, even while throwing up chunks of god knows what, I’m laughing, which actually makes this all the more unpleasant. Dwayne’s poor mom comes in and helps clean up as I’m spewing my guts all over her porcelain shitter.

While she’s whipping the contents of my stomach off of my face I ask her if she wants to see something potentially really gross… Not waiting for an answer, I plug one nostril and blow hard out the other, and shoot tons and shit out of my nose. And then proceed to do the same for the other nostril. I could not stop fucking laughing! It was so gross it amused the absolute hell out of me!

So to wrap up this awesome hell of a night… I got drunk… realized that if this is going to get me all excited and adrenaline pumping… I really have had no fucking life for quite a while! Who cares though it was a blast! Lessoned learned though: Don’t open the door when your drunk… it could potentially ruin your night =p